At dinner, hubby delivered the news. The boy’s face mirrored what I felt inside. He was crestfallen and couldn’t believe it. He was also speechless, which is indeed a rare sight. While I was glad that the boy realized the severity of the punishment, it gave me no great joy to administer the sentence.
That night, it was also Ash Wednesday. While I am a reformed Presbyterian, as a Catholic growing up, Ash Wednesday and the Lenten Season are sacred traditions that are dear to me, so I wanted to go to an Ash Wednesday service. The boy, having lost his TV, computer and games privileges was a virtual prisoner in his room. So, while he wasn’t exactly leaping at the chance to run off to church with me, it afforded us some alone time to get away from the dark mood of the house.
While the boy was sad, I also felt a wrenching grief inside. Looking back, there would be a conspicuous gap in pictures and birthday memories for 2011. There would be no fun birthday party with his friends (and my friends, their parents!) The time that I used to mark my induction into motherhood would also be an unmarked blip in space. Heck, the birthday party, while it’s something done to honor him, is something important for me as well!
One of the most poignant parts of the evening was when the boy lamented, “I wish I could take back time. I’d do things better and I’d have my party.” I said, “You can’t go backward, but you can go forward. There will be other birthdays and other chances.”
We trodded off to church with our heavy hearts. I had already explained that the church service was going to be a solemn event. There wouldn’t be any joyful singing or carrying on like that. And yet, the service was a divine blessing for both of us. While it might have been spooky for the boy to understand that our bodies turn to dust when we die, the sadness of recent events really brought home what Ash Wednesday means to me.
Do I love my son less because I took something away from him and had to punish him? Certainly not. In the same way, God sometimes allows bad things to happen to us, or more importantly, to His Son, Jesus, so that we can try to understand the depths of His love for us. My son will still make mistakes and need correction and forgiveness. In the meantime, I will never stop loving him, even if he doesn’t “get it”. God is the same way with us. Even when we mess up, He is still there to forgive us and guide us, if we let Him do it and get out of our own way.
