But as my oldest son grew older, things that should have gotten easier got harder. My enthusiastic, lovable, adventurous little man grew argumentative, angry and generally unhappy, and I couldn't put my finger on why. He had a hard time controlling himself, hated school and had outbursts that were more typical of preschoolers.
We started clamping down and disciplining him for misbehaviors and willfullness. We even canceled his 7th birthday party. One evening at dinner, he was punished for misbehavior and was not allowed to play with his father's iPad, a usual evening ritual. The next thing that happened gave me chills. Unfazed, my son very politely asked for paper, scissors and markers. He wasn't upset over the punishment, but was very intent on getting something done. When I inquired why he wanted these things, he very happily said, "I'm going to make my own iPad, so I can play it."
What gave me chills was that he was comfortable with shifting from reality to fantasy as a coping mechanism. He was so chipper that it was eerie. While this incident, in and of itself, was not a huge problem, I saw a dangerous future, where my son would easily be able to distort reality in order to cope with an undesirable situation.
I talked with a good friend with a counseling background and the words Oppositional Defiance came up. I read more about Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and found that my son exhibited all six of the symptoms of ODD. The symptoms were like a playbook of my son's recent behaviors. While he wasn't busy destroying property or kicking people, I could see that his frustrations, left unchecked, would get worse. Oh, and get this, punishment and negative discipline is the WORST thing you can do for an oppositional child. So, while I prided myself on positive parenting, I was falling into the trap of ramping up consequences and shifting into a more negative way of parenting. (That's a whole new post, more on that later....)
A year later, and my son has been officially diagnosed with ADHD. In fine fashion, my boy hit the double jackpot, Attention Deficit with Hyperactivty and Impulsivity. Ironically, I never would have entertained the idea of ADHD without first discovering ODD. I just assumed my son was strong-willed and hyper. When he was interested in something, he had laser focus, not an attention deficit! However, that hyperfocus is actually a trait of ADHD. Go figure.
So now, parenting techniques that may work for neurotypical children will NOT work for my little man. It is an odd thing that enforcing more punishment just breeds more misbehavior and frustration in our home. This shift, a new strategy, is why I am now ODDly ADDing. As a result, my son is getting the help he needs, tapping into his emotions and getting boundaries established in a way that is encouraging and effective, even if it isn't easy.
