O Little Christmas Tree

Remember Charlie Brown's Christmas with the sad little tree? That was my real life painful memory two years ago. By the time I dragged that tree into position, half the needles fell off. And, nobody cared about that blasted tree. I decorated it and we forgot it in the rec room at back of the house. It was months after Christmas before I could work up the energy to take the blasted thing down and discard it.

Last year, I did not get a tree. I got a live Christmas wreath instead and hung it on the front door. (I can still hear my sister's cackle when I told her about my wreath!) While it assuaged the dread of the tree and was nice in it's own right, something still felt unsettled.

Ever since my divorce, Christmas trees have been a kind of trigger for me. It painfully reminds me that the family that used to go to the local fire station to get a tree, then get hot cocoa and donuts and go home to decorate the tree was no more. I hated the idea that I "had" to get a tree because their dad was getting one. And nobody wanted to help me decorate the tree. So, while I was able to Marie Kondo the joyless tree last year, something was still amiss and I couldn't put my finger on it.

I grew up with a fake tree, so getting a real tree when I got married was a kind of novelty. We started getting a real tree when we had kids, because otherwise, we traveled back home for Christmas and there was no point in having a tree sitting in an empty house on Christmas Day. Once we split up, that tradition, like many other things, could not be easily split up into neat parcels.

The first year, I got a gorgeous artificial tall tree with all the trimmings from Freecycle. It seemed like a great provision. It was a generic tree with garlands, trimmings and ornaments in a color scheme and such. I used it for three years (and only had to put it up twice because one year I just left it up *all year*). Since it already had everything needed, I didn't open my family ornaments for three years. I just did not have the bandwidth to deal with those memories.

Year 4, I went through my treasure of ornaments, and threw out the stupid golf ball ornaments and all the other things I just never really liked. I was left with the cute school projects and sentimental ornaments that meant something. My generic tree now became more personalized, but I dreaded putting the darn thing away in the 8 boxes it came in. And again, because of its size, the tree was relegated to the back room, where it was forgotten again.

So, while remnants of the fake tree hang around in my basement, I made up my mind to not use it anymore. It was a reminder of things cast off, just like my marriage. So, I circled back to the idea of a real tree and the Charlie Brown trigger effect.

This year, I thought about getting a ceramic tree but that was just meh. I glumly decided that there would be no tree. My kids have outgrown Santa and it was a joyless experience dealing with a tree. The whole saga was renting too much space in my brain and ruining Christmas. I was really starting to get depressed about the holidays. That is, until a dear friend told me about her tabletop tree. Two to three feet max. Fake, lit, and done. On a table.

That idea was inspiring! The clouds began to part. This was exactly what I needed to hear. Why did I need a big tree? I could have a small tree, with the lights and space for presents. It could do everything I needed with a regular tree with none of the fuss. And my friend did me one better. She GOT me a tree. She saw a prelit job on Amazon and just got it!

I kid you not, you literally get it out of the box, bend the branches downward, install the legs, plug it in and voila!

The tree was small enough that I decided to put it in the dining room, where we would see it and enjoy it every day. It's even near a window, so you can see the lights from outside. This was just the kick I needed to inspire the Christmas spirit. I put out a Christmas village that I keep for my Single Moms ministry (we use it once a year for a brunch and it otherwise stays in a bin all year long). And, drumroll please, I pulled out my Nativity set that I kept forgetting to put out each year! 

This is the same Nativity Set that I kept in the kitchen in my herb window and resulted in a huge fight because my ex hated it there.

This little tree is like a balm to my soul. It fits. It resolves all those doubts and fears in my head about my inadequacy. It's MY tree. MY tradition. Something that I started for my intact family of four. It's particularly poignant that the tree was given to me. It wasn't a hand me down or an attempt to keep an old tarnished tradition. It was its own gift, with the lights that give me so much joy and time to reflect on the holiday itself. Christmas is not about pasting a smile on your face and pretending everything is just sparkly and great. Christmas is a light that shines in a bleak, hopeless and hurting world. My little tree is a gift that reminds me that Christmas itself is indeed a gift of unspeakable joy, mystery and profound hope in the dark.

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In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. - John 1:4-5

The Christmas Generosity Game

I don't have any extremely horrible or crazy memories of Christmases past, (well except that one Christmas when the fish tank broke, spewed water overnight and got into the red tree stand cover which made our living room look like a bloodbath for a hot minute) but I could never put my finger on why I didn't like listening to Christmas carols on the radio during this time of year. Honestly, they always made me kind of sad and I couldn't figure out why.

This year though, I think I have stumbled upon why. As I struggle with my unwillingness to buy my daughter a $150 robot dog toy, I've drawn closer to what I have always struggled with during Christmas - the generosity game. As a young adult, Christmas almost always seemed about who could outdo one another with gift giving and I was never comfortable with that.

I'm cheap. I'm frugal. And, gift giving is NOT my strong suit. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable that if I spend $200 on a gift for you, I must think really highly of you, but it makes me feel like a show off. But, if I only spend $20 on you, then I'm some kind of Scrooge and maybe everybody knows it. So, there it is. In full disclosure: not because the economy is hard, not because I don't have enough this year - I NEVER like spending a lot of money on gifts.

Don't get me wrong. You need help? I'm there. I wouldn't bat an eye to help someone financially if there was a need because I always save money for a rainy day. But, I've never been unflinchingly generous when it comes to just giving a gift. I've battled this, every Christmas, for years, while other folks knock each other over for Christmas stuff on Black Friday.

For me, Christmas carols just seem to crystallize this idea that for 3-4 weeks, everyone is "in great spirits and extra generous" and as soon as Christmas 26th rolls around, it's back to the usual. I think I see fakeness in just plastering music and gifts and not carrying that spirit over for the rest of the year. And, I see an inner condemnation of myself, that maybe I'm not as generous as I should be. That maybe I am a terrible person, because I cannot, will not, get somebody a $150 gift, unless it was something that was practical and needed anyway (and, yes, on sale).

Folks have always complained about Christmas being so expensive and stressful. I always spent well within a budget and did not get really ostentatious gifts. Safe and boring, perhaps, but I didn't break the bank to fit the image of what Christmas should be. Many folks even define Christmas by how their funding for Christmas is going to be. It's going to be a "bad Christmas" if you got laid off or a pay cut. It's going to be a "good Christmas" if you got a raise or a promotion. Not only that, you have the generosity game that you have to play. Did you get a gift for everyone? Did you think about the mailman and your co-workers? Me? Yes, but not in terms of gift shopping. A "Merry Christmas" greeting should suffice, and no, I'm not getting a bunch of people presents because I'm "supposed" to. So there it is: I'm kind of like a Grinch in this worldly Christmas society. The Christmas carols remind me that the generosity game is starting again and I have to be strong enough not to compete.

Why do we get people gifts in the first place? Is it because Christmas reminds us of a gift that we have the chance to receive that is better than anything we can imagine? Is it because the generosity of God's own son Jesus makes everyone so thankful that they have to celebrate with gifts? Perhaps. But if people don't see Jesus, then the gift giving seems like a shallow waste of time to me.

Jesus came as a baby, to become our deliverer. That is the Christmas story. He came as a baby, lived a sinless life, then died to pay for our sins. If we believe in Him, we have the opportunity to spend eternity with Him in heaven. Why did He have to die and why did I need to be forgiven? Because none of us is righteous. We've all done something evil, whether it was lying, stealing or even having hatred in our hearts. And we are all guilty. God is so pure and holy, that He can't have anything to do with us in this state. Based on whether we've all lived a good life, we are all condemned. And, that is why the greatest gift, Jesus, came. He died for our sins, so that in Him, God would see us and see the goodness and purity of Jesus instead of our convicted hearts. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

So, for me, whether I give you a $150 toy or a $10 box of chocolates, the real Christmas story is the same. That is the most important gift I can share, that Jesus loved all of us so much that anyone who trusts in Him will have eternal life in Heaven. And, no, I am not getting that $150 dollar toy. She'll get the $40 cat, which is cuddly, purrs and only does 3 tricks instead of 30. She'll be disappointed that she didn't get the "expensive" gift. And, she'll learn, hopefully from me, that the most important gift anyone could get, was born in a manger more than two thousand years ago.

Homespun Christmas Spirit

Sometimes, we find things far off the beaten path, but in this case, I wanted to share something that is right in front of our faces, in the middle of city traffic.

Park the car and take a peek, or you might miss this gem of Christmas spirit.

I heard about this one through a friend's Facebook post, checked it out for myself and felt compelled to share it here.  It's no Lighthouse on the Bay, but then again, I didn't have to shell out $20 and view something loaded with corporate sponsorships.

What I saw instead touched my heart and filled me with the real joy of Christmas.  And, yes, it's worth the trip.  The show is at a private residence in Brooklyn, MD (yes, Maryland, not New York!) along a bustling thoroughfare called Ritchie Highway.

My YouTube video is also homespun.  I literally sat in my car and recorded it on my phone.  I only recorded 6 minutes of it, because I thought it would be worth it for anyone anywhere to see it.  If you want to see more, get in the car and go already!

If you want to see the full length of the 25 minute show, just drive over to Advance Auto Parts, park your car facing the street and check out the magic.  Full instructions and details about the show are included right here ------------------ >

Placement of the show is pure genius.  Across the street from the home is a large parking lot for a large strip mall.  The masses could converge, drive through style, turn on their radios and enjoy the show.  Just be sure to turn off your headlights.

What I loved most about this show is that the traffic is whizzing by as the show progresses.  If you are in one of those cars, you might notice house lights blinking furiously, but miss the whole thing entirely.  If you take the time to stop, park, look and listen, you get to see Christmas cheer unfold in the hustle and bustle of life.

The show starts at 6:00pm sharp.  But, you don't have to worry.  Get there when you can.  The show runs through for 25 minutes and cycles again until 10:00pm, so you can see the show when it suits you.  Thankfully, the light show runs nightly until January 6th, so you can still have a little Christmas well into the New Year.

Even in the midst of unspeakable tragedy in Newtown and elsewhere, amid the muck and mire of ordinary life, there is light.  The Saunders Light Show demonstrates that there is compassion and generosity, and yes, hope for us all.

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“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord." 
- Luke 9-11