This year though, I think I have stumbled upon why. As I struggle with my unwillingness to buy my daughter a $150 robot dog toy, I've drawn closer to what I have always struggled with during Christmas - the generosity game. As a young adult, Christmas almost always seemed about who could outdo one another with gift giving and I was never comfortable with that.
I'm cheap. I'm frugal. And, gift giving is NOT my strong suit. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable that if I spend $200 on a gift for you, I must think really highly of you, but it makes me feel like a show off. But, if I only spend $20 on you, then I'm some kind of Scrooge and maybe everybody knows it. So, there it is. In full disclosure: not because the economy is hard, not because I don't have enough this year - I NEVER like spending a lot of money on gifts.
Don't get me wrong. You need help? I'm there. I wouldn't bat an eye to help someone financially if there was a need because I always save money for a rainy day. But, I've never been unflinchingly generous when it comes to just giving a gift. I've battled this, every Christmas, for years, while other folks knock each other over for Christmas stuff on Black Friday.
For me, Christmas carols just seem to crystallize this idea that for 3-4 weeks, everyone is "in great spirits and extra generous" and as soon as Christmas 26th rolls around, it's back to the usual. I think I see fakeness in just plastering music and gifts and not carrying that spirit over for the rest of the year. And, I see an inner condemnation of myself, that maybe I'm not as generous as I should be. That maybe I am a terrible person, because I cannot, will not, get somebody a $150 gift, unless it was something that was practical and needed anyway (and, yes, on sale).
Folks have always complained about Christmas being so expensive and stressful. I always spent well within a budget and did not get really ostentatious gifts. Safe and boring, perhaps, but I didn't break the bank to fit the image of what Christmas should be. Many folks even define Christmas by how their funding for Christmas is going to be. It's going to be a "bad Christmas" if you got laid off or a pay cut. It's going to be a "good Christmas" if you got a raise or a promotion. Not only that, you have the generosity game that you have to play. Did you get a gift for everyone? Did you think about the mailman and your co-workers? Me? Yes, but not in terms of gift shopping. A "Merry Christmas" greeting should suffice, and no, I'm not getting a bunch of people presents because I'm "supposed" to. So there it is: I'm kind of like a Grinch in this worldly Christmas society. The Christmas carols remind me that the generosity game is starting again and I have to be strong enough not to compete.
Why do we get people gifts in the first place? Is it because Christmas reminds us of a gift that we have the chance to receive that is better than anything we can imagine? Is it because the generosity of God's own son Jesus makes everyone so thankful that they have to celebrate with gifts? Perhaps. But if people don't see Jesus, then the gift giving seems like a shallow waste of time to me.
Jesus came as a baby, to become our deliverer. That is the Christmas story. He came as a baby, lived a sinless life, then died to pay for our sins. If we believe in Him, we have the opportunity to spend eternity with Him in heaven. Why did He have to die and why did I need to be forgiven? Because none of us is righteous. We've all done something evil, whether it was lying, stealing or even having hatred in our hearts. And we are all guilty. God is so pure and holy, that He can't have anything to do with us in this state. Based on whether we've all lived a good life, we are all condemned. And, that is why the greatest gift, Jesus, came. He died for our sins, so that in Him, God would see us and see the goodness and purity of Jesus instead of our convicted hearts. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
So, for me, whether I give you a $150 toy or a $10 box of chocolates, the real Christmas story is the same. That is the most important gift I can share, that Jesus loved all of us so much that anyone who trusts in Him will have eternal life in Heaven. And, no, I am not getting that $150 dollar toy. She'll get the $40 cat, which is cuddly, purrs and only does 3 tricks instead of 30. She'll be disappointed that she didn't get the "expensive" gift. And, she'll learn, hopefully from me, that the most important gift anyone could get, was born in a manger more than two thousand years ago.
