The Magic of Coffee

As the only adult in the house for a while, I have opted for instant coffee because I only need 1-2 cups of coffee a day, which I drink in the afternoon. So why am I dusting off a coffee maker now? Well, because I have a 17 year old and after many years of not letting my kids have coffee, he has made the cut.

Coffee is my social drink of choice. Some people go to bars or drink liquor to relax. I drink coffee. To relax. You heard it right. My mother can't settle down and sleep without a cup of coffee before bed. For a Puerto Rican especially, café con leche is a celebration unto itself. If a Puerto Rican host does NOT offer you a café con leche (even at 9 o'clock at night), that is their polite way of telling you the party is over and you need to take the hint. Coffee enjoyment may be in our Puerto Rican blood, but for me, an important ingredient is ADHD.

I noticed the calming effects of coffee for me when I was home raising my little ones. Once they were down for naps, I'd settle in for a cup of coffee and just take a few minutes to ponder the day. If I didn't get that naptime in, I was on edge for the day. Anxiety skyrocketed and my patience was nowhere to be found. (I was also sleep deprived for the first 7 years of my parenting, so all these symptoms were exaggerated). 

However, looking back, I noticed something else. It wasn't the lack of naps that put me on edge. It was that I didn't have that pause with a cup of coffee to center me on those no-nap days. I noticed this because when they were older, even if the kids did not nap, if I had that cup of coffee (reheated a few times in the microwave probably), a feeling of general goodwill came over me. I really can't describe it to the neurotypical mind, but I literally would feel myself relax and it's like I could hear someone saying, "It's going to be OK. You got this." I was also able to focus a lot better and get things done.

That general feeling of goodwill and a sort of calming down of the brain is the EXACT effect that stimulants have on the ADHD brain. ADHD brains are constantly searching for a dopamine hit, which is why our brains wander and we move a lot. It's hard to focus if something is really boring, because we don't have as much dopamine as everyone else running around in our brains. THIS is why stimulants work for an ADHD brain. They have the opposite effect of what a stimulant does, which, for a neurotypical mind, is to boost your energy and make you excitable. For us, we get the dopamine hit we crave and our brains are content. We can stop the searching and now, we can relax and focus on just one or two things. Yes, it is counterintuitive, and seems like an excuse, but it's real. It's why I can drink a cup of coffee at 8pm and drift right off to bed an hour later! 

For me, the effect of coffee will eventually stack up. I can't just go around drinking 3-4 cups a day. But that first cup is like gold for my brain, which brings me back to my boy.

After spending a year and half not having to sit in a classroom and being able to go to school online, my boy was in his element. He was in control of his own schooling destiny, for the most part, and while socially, it was depressing since he missed his friends, school wise, he didn't need meds to get him through the day.

The structure of classes now that we are back to in-person learning has been grating on him. He has anxiety with coursework, boring classes, college applications, tests and a part time job. He naps during the day and sleeps fitfully at night. I proposed that he try the meds again to see if that would help. It helped him focus but he didn't feel like himself and it got depressing for him. The meds might be too strong and he has way better impulse control than when he was in fourth grade. Enter coffee! It's the magical over the counter elixir that continues to work for me. You don't need a script and while it can be addictive, is easier to stop. He's old enough now that I don't have concerns about the effects on his heart rate or growth due to the caffeine (which is why I don't let my young kids drink coffee).

So we'll see how this goes. In typical Millennial fashion, my boy prefers oatmilk in his coffee. (Atta boy, black coffee is like blasphemy!) And, I'm enjoying a cup of real brewed coffee again, at home. 

Dyslexia: To Be or Not To Be?

Young Reader, Credit: Kriss Szkurlatowski; 12frames.eu

I was recently outraged at a recent post regarding the possibility of dyslexia being "unclassified" as an official learning disability.  If it's not an official "problem", then all the kid has to do is try harder. That's like telling a nearsighted person to see better (Thank you for that analogy, Dr. Ned Hallowell!).

This issue very closely parallels ADHD. A child that has ADHD or is at least struggling to sit still in a school environment and deal with a lot of distractions will not get any accommodations in a public school setting unless he has a diagnosis.

Many boys struggle with being able to sit still for long periods of time and write as much as these schools want them to. Schools are designed for the way girls learn, not boys, so boys will struggle. I'm almost thankful that my son has ADHD, so he can get accommodations that every boy his age should have.

Plenty of schools (mine included) will say they have individualized plans to help every child, but they are not held accountable to implement anything unless there is a 504 or IEP in place. Even then, only the boldest of parents, that are willing to tirelessly bird-dog the schools, will see action.

Then we wonder why doctors overprescribe ADHD meds so easily?  It's an injustice, especially because many people think ADHD is a joke at best, or at worst, an excuse. ADHD is a real condition that is really debilitating for many people that actually have it.

When a kid's brain flips letters around with dyslexia, and they need to remap their whole approach to reading, it's despicable to say it's not a "problem". Oh, and hold the phone.... ADHD and dyslexia are two conditions that are frequently co-morbid (or for us lay folks, they frequently occur together).

I hope you'll join me and sign the Yale Center petition decrying this change to the DSM-5, the upcoming edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA).  Just because we can't "monetize" dyslexia and prescribe medication for it does not mean that it is not a valid medical diagnosis.

Movie Review: Happy Feet

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0366548/

I'll admit, I don't get out much.  Adult movies are not on the radar for me, and I'm too cheap to spring for first-run movies for my kids.  So the freebie summer screenings are just my bag.  That being said, I got to see a real gem of a movie this summer, only four years after it's release.  It was one of those typical animation movies for kids, with enough adult humor to give parents the patience to see it through.

I think I enjoyed this movie a bit more than my kids did, because it had a wonderful message, with a great mix of realism and idealism.

(SPOILER ALERT:  Stop reading here if you don't want me to give away the plot).

It starts out oddly enough, with Mumbles, a funny little penguin who is born with shifting, moving feet and an inability to fit in like the rest of his penguin colony.  This kid is different and struggles to find a balance.  How does he fit in without completely stifling his own personality?  This was particularly poignant for me because I see my ADHD son (and myself!) with those same struggles.  We are who we are, and we can't change certain things, but we need to find a way to fit in a society that doesn't operate the way we do.

What I loved about this movie is that Mumbles, internally, accepts himself, even when others don't.  He struggles because he can't fit in the way others expect him to.  His father tells him to keep still and "fake it" to fit in.  His mother loves him, but can't seem to shield him from the ostracizing public.  He even has to venture off and abandon his love interest because he knows he will never be able to live up to her standards.  He needs his space.

When Mumbles finds his rhythm with tap dancing, it is his way of expressing himself.  It's not accepted at first because in the movie, penguins learn to sing and share their heartsong.  A crew of outcast penguins give Mumbles acceptance, a first glimpse of community that Mumbles has desperately longed for.  In the end, Mumbles is able to share his heartsong through his dancing feet, influencing a positive change and a fresh new way of doing things.  He does not have to abandon who he is but is able to use his strengths to counterbalance his weaknesses.

How glorious would it be, if we could embrace each other, and show compassion for those who are different?  Instead of ridiculing and mocking those that don't fit our typical mold, why not look for the gifts that they bring outside of the mold?  In the end, as Mumbles gains acceptance, he does not have to change himself or conform to standards he can't attain.  He blesses his colony with the gift of dance and everyone is all the better for it.

Why I'm ODDly ADDing

Being a mom to three hyper kids has always been an adventure.  Having a ramped up personality myself, I figured my apples didn't fall far from the tree.

But as my oldest son grew older, things that should have gotten easier got harder.  My enthusiastic, lovable, adventurous little man grew argumentative, angry and generally unhappy, and I couldn't put my finger on why.  He had a hard time controlling himself, hated school and had outbursts that were more typical of preschoolers.

We started clamping down and disciplining him for misbehaviors and willfullness.  We even canceled his 7th birthday party.  One evening at dinner, he was punished for misbehavior and was not allowed to play with his father's iPad, a usual evening ritual.  The next thing that happened gave me chills.  Unfazed, my son very politely asked for paper, scissors and markers.  He wasn't upset over the punishment, but was very intent on getting something done.  When I inquired why he wanted these things, he very happily said, "I'm going to make my own iPad, so I can play it."

What gave me chills was that he was comfortable with shifting from reality to fantasy as a coping mechanism.  He was so chipper that it was eerie.  While this incident, in and of itself, was not a huge problem, I saw a dangerous future, where my son would easily be able to distort reality in order to cope with an undesirable situation.

I talked with a good friend with a counseling background and the words Oppositional Defiance came up.  I read more about Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and found that my son exhibited all six of the symptoms of ODD.  The symptoms were like a playbook of my son's recent behaviors.  While he wasn't busy destroying property or kicking people, I could see that his frustrations, left unchecked, would get worse.  Oh, and get this, punishment and negative discipline is the WORST thing you can do for an oppositional child.  So, while I prided myself on positive parenting, I was falling into the trap of ramping up consequences and shifting into a more negative way of parenting. (That's a whole new post, more on that later....)

A year later, and my son has been officially diagnosed with ADHD.  In fine fashion, my boy hit the double jackpot, Attention Deficit with Hyperactivty and Impulsivity.  Ironically, I never would have entertained the idea of ADHD without first discovering ODD.  I just assumed my son was strong-willed and hyper.  When he was interested in something, he had laser focus, not an attention deficit!  However, that hyperfocus is actually a trait of ADHD.  Go figure.

So now, parenting techniques that may work for neurotypical children will NOT work for my little man.  It is an odd thing that enforcing more punishment just breeds more misbehavior and frustration in our home.  This shift, a new strategy, is why I am now ODDly ADDing.  As a result, my son is getting the help he needs, tapping into his emotions and getting boundaries established in a way that is encouraging and effective, even if it isn't easy.